my subtle breakdown and crash

I never understand what to think anymore
things trouble me so much. things which shouldn't, but can I really help how I feel, emotions were never a strong point of mine, 

 Feeling as though I am brought to my knees. Engulfed in my blazing inferno, nobody can come close to understanding what goes through my mind, so painful, feeling weakened, shrouded in a black smokey cloak.
 Such effort keeping up these fronts of mine,
 although i believe its easier to wear my smile like a uniform tie than explain the turmoil and emotions which rage behind my solemn eyes, love and life were never meant to mix, well not for the majority anyways, I often felt trouble coming to terms with myself and I still do, how can someone else try to understand me when I can't even understand myself,
 after all i should understand myself but alas I fail to, 

Forever lost in my own realm of delusion and living on prayers. All I have as of late is my music to keep me sane, I appear social as a person but deep down i am on an lonely island in solitude isolated from the outside world, slowly crumbling like ancient dust exposed to the elements over time. 
Time passes me in slow motion, things move slowly as i feel zoned out from reality in my own world. Deep desire to carve a path of destruction in the search and pursuit of finding my purpose in life.